I've just been reflecting on how well i've been doing considering its only been a few years since i was admitted to the hospital. I want to share this piece just cause i wish to be heard, if you read it, just please leave me a comment saying you read it. If you like, let me know what you think of it. Or don't even read it at all. I just need to get it out there.

Man sometimes i need to just vent.



I remember hour-long drives
into the bleak, foggy city
eyes glassy
passing fields of bony cows
and horses in their stables with dirty water up to their knees

I remember passing under streetlamps
my mothers eyes poised on the roadway,
her mouth twitching every now and then,
fingers fiddling on the steering wheel

i remember stepping out of the parked car and feeling nothing as wind whipped at my hair and the cold knawed at my nose,
seeing nothing as i walked seemingly alone
down the street, around the corner,
no steps had signatures

i remember the sounds of my mothers feet
as we followed each other up the stairs
and she reminded me the passcode
so i could type it in myself

i remember the silence that made the room empty
without air, i breathed none
creating a space that my mind could fill with chatter
as the blood seeped through my stockings

I remember the paintings, shapeless and senseless
shelves upon shelves of diagnoses
handsome furniture that smelled too expensive
soft lighting and our quiet voices
I heard screaming next door

"Doctor, Doctor, i feel alright
tell my mom i'm doing fine
so she can finally
sleep through the night

Doctor, Doctor, i'm not
beating the walls
the truth is i dont feel anything at all
my clothing hides truths
that no 'medicine' can help
i wish you could see
how i see myself"

I remember my little white hands fiddling with my clothes
a skirt too short to hide the battleground
that would become my home

I remember leaving your office
with my mother close behind,
her words too thin to cradle me
her hands too scared to try

And we drove through the city
we were silent, alone
and i reclined my seat
and slept till we got home...

I went through days of torment
while my body wore so thin
and my mind played pretty pictures
across my torn and bleeding skin

my mind was filled with hurricanes, screaming children and car crashes
my body was a painting with no shapes or strokes, just slashes
my tears were thick but empty, smeared across my shaking cheeks
the days were undistinguished, as they melted into weeks

I caught each slur and rumor, every locker room sneer
fighting back the screaming, fighting back the fear
I cursed myself in languages that I had never heard
my world was breaking, breaking, and I didn't say a word

I remember final judgment
as I slowly showed my wounds
but they were born of fury
I couldn't stop their crimson croon


I stood out in the hallway
with a bouquet of kleenexes
as you calmly wrote down numbers
for my mother, and addresses

"Doctor, Doctor, don't send me away
why can't i go home today?
i can't stay in this city
its nine oclock at night!
Just let me sleep in my own bed
my wounds will heal alright"

The drive was long, the air was cold
My mom had to do as she was told
to leave her baby in a hospital ward
where I'd be locked behind closed doors

They took away my clothing,
put me in a hospital gown
checked my body over,
a bit surprized by what they found

my body was a battlefield
adorned with scarlet lace
atrocities often witnessed
by the patients of this place

The therapy was boring
'cept for the drawings I would bring
so they loaded me with medicine
till I couldn't feel a thing

I tore and ripped at my ailing flesh
without my razor, I would show them yet
till they strapped me to the bed-

"YOU MUST CALM DOWN" they said

they threatened to use syringes
so I took the pills instead

Capsulated misery
I swallowed every day
the chemicals were killing me
in every imaginable way

My face would rest upon my hands
my skull was thick and filled with sand
it hurt from banging against the wall
it hung from my shoulders like a bowling ball

The mutilation saved me
It helped me live, and thrive
protected me from agony
that I swore would eat me alive

But the wounds were quickly fading
the scars were setting in
and i missed the crimson flowers
that would bloom upon my skin

I found it hard to function
as emptiness swallowed me
each day I grew more partial
to things that only I could see

I remember, my mother coming to visit
finding me with my face down on the table
hands locked between my knees
as she approached all I could say was
"i'm sorry mom, i just want to go to sleep"

I remember my mother, sitting beside me, holding my hand
trembling as tears crawled down her face
I knew cause I could see them fall at our feet

The fog was stealing over me, cold and thick
eating the cries that sounded in my head
my mothers voice was an echo, faded and weak
her fear was taking over
she rehearsed my eulogy

Four weeks passed, till I could stay no more
how accustomed I had grown
to life behind closed doors

My mother was coming to get me
I imagine her fingers fiddling on the steering wheel
she came in hopes of taking me home
where we could be alright,
where I could rouse myself from the nightmare
so painstakingly created

But if I insisted on the gruesome habits
that could easily be the end of me,
they'd be forced to put me in residential care

No longer could I believe in
the things that weren't there

I threw away my razors
forsook the "future" that I drew
faded scars were just reminders
of times I never followed through

I learned to love the feeling of my smooth and unbroken skin
running my hands over it like it was precious silk
though I wished to forget my scars, they could never forget me
my marks lay masked, underneath new skin
I could never hide them completely

I remember, the long drives to the bleak and foggy city
fields of bony cows
stables of poor horses
but this time there were sounds, colors
there was a distinctive smell to the wind that ebbed through my open window
I told my mother about how good my day was,
told her what was wonderful, what made me laugh
and she smiled at me as though my laugh were made of diamonds

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm feeling strange!
Doctor, my scars are fading away!
Where is the darkness that shrouded my world?
Doctor, Doctor, I'm ok..."